The 16 Easiest Things I Did That Still Fucked Me Up

"Caw, caw! Bang! Fuck, I'm dead."
by Samubri

#16. Extended Blurred Vision From Smoking Too Much Pot and Watching TV All Day

It should be obvious that it seems like a great idea to me to wake up fairly early and lie in the same spot all day smoking grass and watching Simpsons re-runs off my DVR. Stoned and hungry, sooner or later I have to go on a food-run. This disturbing blurry eyesight haunts me all the way to Arby's and back. Oddly enough, I just can’t see straight again until I sleep for a full night (and stop smoking uber-honeypot spliffs every 15 minutes).

#15. Super Videogame Blister Because You're Out of Shape Even For a Gamer

If you’re a habitual console gamer, chances are you’ve gained absolutely nothing except 15 pounds and a hyper-callous on your left thumb that can withstand molten rock.

Personally, I kick the console-gaming habit every few years (hey, I gotta quit something), and since my frivolous career doesn’t require any actual physical work, my callous disappears, leaving me with a once-again silky-smooth girl hand. Months later when a drunken boast forces me to put my money where my big fat mouth is, I’m doomed to the humiliation of being pwned by controller-wielding assholes. The blister I receive the next day is the proof that not only have I failed to learn any useful skills in life, but I now also suck at even the stupid shit.

#14. Wounds From Fat Thighs Chafing Because I Threw a Party

I threw a party at my house a few weeks ago to celebrate my ability to get arrested for a DUI. I was really into it; the day of the party I was up at 6AM to start on my list of preparatory tasks. 42 stock conversations, one dead snake, and .22 BAC later, the party was over. I'd moved around so much all day that my fat, cellulose ridden thighs chafed to the point of blistering. Fat blisters! That’ll teach me to wear pants.

If I have to look at them, then so do you.

#13. Painful Indigestion From Speed Eating

My 'fast and loose', ‘feast or famine’, ‘binge and purge’, ‘high or crying’ lifestyle leads to plenty of hastily wolfed meals, either for expediency, out of sudden ravenousness, or simply inherent pigishness. That barely-chewed meal becomes a cannonball of doom hours later when I beg to an uncaring cosmos for mercy as my stomach acids try in vain to digest 2 pounds of roast beef and horsey sauce.

#12. Trying to Fuck Like a Pro and Nearly Suffering a Heart Attack

If your only exercise is sex, not only are you an awfully charming fellow, but you’re also in what scientists call the Inevitability Zone for cardiovascular Armageddon. Take it from me: doing fuck-all and then trying to mimic the professional twat-conquerors featured in your daily smut surf is the fast-track to ticker turmoil. Note to fellow tweakers: when you’re on huge doses of amphetamines, you forget to breathe regularly as matter of course. So try to remember when you’re about blow the party-snot that you haven’t been breathing for, like, three minutes.

#11. Debilitating Agony From Drinking a Cocktail

When it hits 5pm and I’m still completely sober, sometimes I feel the need to seriously get down for my crown before dinner. When that juice glass full of vodka hits my empty, ulcerous stomach, there’s often an initial wave of belly agony that incapacitates me for five to ten minutes. During that time I can only roll around on the floor and grunt in pain. Of course, this is easily avoided if I just prime the pump with a glass of water before I start chugging booze, but even sober I'm just incapacitated enough to forget all the fucking time.

#10. Fifteen Minutes of Power-Drinking Leading to Violently Vomiting Bile For Hours

If you’re a sedentary alcoholic (hi, Mom), eventually you fuck up the equilibrium between planned passing-out and obvious abuse-driven alcohol poisoning. Late night liquor-chugging can lead to a tomorrow full of excruciating barfing as you void the contents of your nether-bowels out your mouth until you feel like cursing the good name of Johnny Walker forever. Just remember, it’s your fucking fault, drunky.

"Nuh uh! Ish YER fault! Think yur bettur than me?"

#9. Chronic Ache From Sleeping Too Much

“Life’s hard, so let’s sleep as much as possible.” That’s what I might say if giving a graduation speech to pre-schoolers. But take it from a derelict that knows: sleeping twenty hours at a time for weeks can lead to a crazy new kind of aching soreness that can’t be shaken no matter how much more you try to sleep away your problems.

#8. Retarded Curiosity Leading to Permanently Scarring Burns

You’re high and you’re wondering: is that shit on? So, fuck it, you touch it lightly with your finger. OH FUCK! The electric blast of pain reminds you of how fucking dumb you are. At first you don’t tell anyone about it, but then realize you have no choice but to reveal it; the pain keeps you from lying at this point. Unless this is the first time this has happened to you AND you’re a toddler, you probably have a fork stuck in your brain.

Yeah, I touched it.

#7. Massive Headwound From Attempted Milquetoast Marital Sex

So it looks like the wife is going to put out, and you’re really wanting to hump like an inconsiderate rodent without leaving a bad taste in her mouth (so to speak). You have to give her the pleasure first or you might never get another chance at the sideways pussy you love so much. You’re kissing down her belly, determined to eat that snatch until orgasm or bust, but you’re an out-of-shape fatass and you’re perched precariously on the corner of the bed. Before you know it, you’re in this weird legs-akimbo crouch on your knees. The brutal leg cramp that ensues sends you tumbling to the floor. The bookshelf tips over, something hits your head- blood gushes into your eyes. Not getting laid is the least of your problems at this point, Baryshnikov.

#6. Dehydration From Apathy

If you do nothing for long enough, eventually you start to die. Although it doesn’t take much to sustain someone that lies in the same spot all the time, it does take something. When you haven’t moved for long enough that your lips are chapped and your head is throbbing, your depression has officially consumed your survival instinct. Congratulations, fuckstain- you can die now.

#5. Walking at a Casual Pace on a Level Surface Leading to a Sprained Ankle

Ever been walking and suddenly folded your ankle for no reason? Guess what, you’re so fucking lazy that you forgot how to walk.

Thanks a lot, you fucking cunts.

#4. Walking Around in Socks Leading to Compounded Ass Contusions

A large set of hardwood stairs in any home are just fucking dumb. Period. I don’t give a fuck what they look like, every once in a while you want to roll in your socks around the homestead and not pay meticulous attention to your footing. When you’re shitfaced and stoned all the time, you’re bound to stop paying attention while drunkenly descending for another cocktail at some point. Ass-bruises for a month should be a good enough reminder that you should be dead. Instead, you’re me, and you fall down the fuckers drunk again two weeks later, now compounding the heinous bruises that haven’t even healed yet. It’s so true I’ve depressed myself writing this. I need a drink (which is down the stairs).

#3. Absentminded Fat-Scratching Leading to Grotesque Torso Scarring

Most of us have gotten fat fast at some point, and cruelly, fatness is often localized. Regional flesh ballooning is something one’s skin can’t possibly keep up with, and viola- stretch marks. When you absent-mindedly scratch at them all the time, they tear open and become peppered with little sphincter-looking wounds that take forever to heal. Yes, you skinny fucking bitch, this is true.

#2. Sudden Uncontrollable Vomiting From Gently Using a Q-Tip

One day when I went to clean my left ear, I think I rubbed over the opening to my Eustachian tube or something. It totally was like gagging myself through the ear-hole and I immediately vomited into the sink. It was like I tapped the barfing G-spot in my ear. I think the medical term for that is: "Fucked Up."

#1. Hemorrhoids From Being Vindictively Cursed by God for No Reason

If you're one of those ridiculous cunts who buys into the concept of an omnibenevolent God and/or intelligent design in the universe, then here is the proof that you’re embarrassing yourself: hemorrhoids. This one deserves extra attention- it’s so fucking fuck fuckity fucked, I can’t help but take it personal. Fuck!

Who knew that sitting on my ass for hours splicing 10-second porno .mpgs together while pretending to write would lead to angry blood vessels in my asshole? That's right, I got this from sitting. SITTING!

Imagine a grape coming out of your ass. A dark purple grape the size of your thumb. See the grape? Really visualize it. Now realize that grape is connected to your asshole. It's actually part of your asshole. The pain, itching, and humiliation are impossible to ignore. Welcome to hemorrhoids.

The impact of hemorrhoids’ power to synergize agony and shame changes how you feel about shitting. After thorough research, I’ve come to one clear conclusion: it’s true you hopeless magic fairy worshipping fucks - there is no God.

And sometimes when they're hanging out,
you have to push them back in. Where's your god now?