Cat's Eye View

by Howie and a cat

Streets flooded in a moonlight haze at noon due to the thick smog, car alarms and rape whistles keep time with the pulse of a thousand dreams being smashed, a world of hatred and sex and money. The city. My city. City... city... ummm...

CLICK

"COSMO! What's the name of the city we're in?"

"Darnassus."

"Doesn't sound right."

CLICK

My city, whatever it's called. I stare out from the 13th floor, a sweeping vista in front of me. Glass shards in my hair. A strange cat clawing my leg. The wind blowing; my cigar flapping in the breeze. It's beautiful. Damn hell fuck beautiful!

CLICK

"Cosmo! What are you doing?"

"I'm playing World of Warcraft and, well it's hard to explain... Have you ever seen Leaving Las Vegas?"

"No."

"Then... nothing."

Knowing Cosmo, he's probably playing Elisabeth Shue's part.

"The computer won't stop typing what I say."

"LOL. AFK."

"WHAT?"

"Listen, I'm not your fucking tech support!"

"You're not?"

"Am I?"

"I hate you, Cosmo."

"Ten-four."

CLICK

The cat has been talking for hours. He's possibly brilliant, possibly a madman. Possibly both. Unfortunately, I don't speak a lick of cat. Luckily, I've got "Kitten Naturally Speaking" to translate. Let's just fire this puppy up.

What? No, Kitty. I didn't mean that kind of puppy.

My new writing partner. Suck on that, Samubri.

Transcription begins:

Meow. Meweeeeow. Rarrrreow. Rar. REooooowwwWWW. No puedo creer que usted comería un taco delante de mí, usted humano. Meorow. Reeeow. Woweeraer. Rearow. Wow. ¡Un taco de PESCADOS! I'm un gato. MMMEEEEOOOWWWWW ¡TACOS DEL AMOR DE LOS GATOS! Ahem. Fucking idiot pink skins. You unfurred idiot. Can you not hear me? Do you speak any other languages besides English? What is wrong with you. Your feet smell like cheese. REOWR!

Transcription ends.

CLICK

"COSMO!"

"Who is this?"

"It's me again. Get Samubri on the phone. This computer is going crazy."

"Fuck you."

DIAL TONE

CLICK

"Herro?"

"Sammy? Howie! What the fuck is wrong with my computer?"

"Why, dear God, WHY? WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?"

"Sam, no time for your anti-semantics. This is serious."

"I'm not Jewish?"

"You're not? You're black, though... right?"

"No."

CLICK

Pictured: Not Samubri, I guess.

The computer is still going. It's typing everything I say. Why does it do this? It's supposed to only work on the cat. Why am I talking out loud? I could just be thinking these things.

Cat, where did you get that gun? It's not loaded is it? Shit. Why cat, why?

REOW ¿Dónde ahora está su dios!? MEOW!

EL BLAMMO